Dear Angela,

Your a wonderful mother.  Please take time to enjoy your boys, play with them, watch them grow and learn.  Life is too short to sweat the little stuff.  Relaxe and take deep breaths when days are tough and the nights are long.  Put the “house chores” on the back burner, they will always be waiting for you.  The children won’t always be their, enjoy them while you can.  Do something fun every day even if its some small, the kids will have a blast because your spending time with them.  Put the phone down and walk away, facebook and snap chat will still be there after the kids go to sleep.

I know the last 5 months have been very tough for you dealing with the lose of the most important man in your life, your dad.  I know you’ve been crying yourself to sleep each night thinking of your dad and missing him so much that you can’t move to whip the tears from your eyes before they roll down your check into your ears.  I know you feel guilty and horrible for not seeing your dad regularly after you had Robbie but when they meet each other it was special.  Robbie was just a month old when your dad held him for the first time and they were both starring at each other with those deep blue eyes studying each others features.  You could feel the love and happiness those two gave each other in that moment.   I know the last time you went to visit your dad at the commentary and tears started streaming down your check, your voice started to crack when your trying to explain to Dominic were grandpa Jim is, and then that sweet little boy who can only hear your crying tells you “it’s okay Momma, Grandpa Jim loves us.”  You know in that moment your Dad is still with you and will be with you everyday of the rest of your life.  He is always with your boys.  Stay strong Angela and love your family and your life.

Angela, your body is beautiful, strong, muscular, curvy, and sexy.  Your body has survived a bumpy rollercoaster of a ride battling an eating disorder.  Your body has created, grew, developed, and delivered two healthy, strong, and handsome boys with the help of Tim.  Your body is full of life and is so much more then worrying about what size shirts and pants you can squeeze your body into.  The size of clothing doesn’t matter, what matters is how they fit and if your rocking the type clothing you like.  Your body will love you forever as long as you give your body healthy, delicious, and fabulous food.  You body will love you as long as you keep it active and are having fun.

Lastly Angela don’t let others try to tell you how to run your life, your household, your marriage, or your children.  You do what you and your family believe is right and what is right for you, your family, and marriage.

Love yourself too.

Hello, Hello

The last post I bad I was pregnant and now my little man is here.  He is already 8 months old and crawling all over the place.  Now that he is older and I have a little more free time (ish) I have started to work out again.  I still have my gym membership but I haven’t used it in a long, long time.  So I started to workout at home and easing into it.  I had thought about going to the gym but I don’t want to get out of control.  I have just started to like my post baby body and instead of making myself squishing myself into my pre baby cloths I decided to buy brand new shirts.  I have learned to not care about the size of my shirts and shorts but to go off of how they fit.  I will be honesty I’m really, really dreading having to go buy some jeans.  UGH.  I have always had a love hate relationship with jeans.  That started probably my freshmen year.  I played 3 sports volleyball, basketball, and softball and I even played some off sports while playing the “in season” sport.  I lifted weights during those sports and also during the summer so my quads and hamstring got muscular and most jean fit super tight in that area.  BUT that was then and this is now.

Take Care,

Angela

WOW!! Time has sure flown by and I realized that it has been 6 months since the last time I had posted in my blog and boy does it feel good to be back at it again.  So, what’s new with me?  Well, let me give you an update.  Dominic is now 2 1/2 years old and truly full of life.  There is never a dell moment around her unless he is sick, which thank God, doesn’t happen very often (knock on wood).  Timothy is still doing the same old same; he’s still working full time, going to school, and enjoying rode biking and running.  He is planning on doing the Fox Cities 1/2 Marathon in September.  Timothy and I found out at the end of February that we are expecting our second child.  Yes, you have read write, we are having another child.  He is due to arrive on November 4th, 2015!  So we have been doing a lot of planning, cleaning (kind of), and prepping for his arrival.  And, as for me, I have been busying working, growing a baby, raising Dominic, and battling ED.  I am proud to say, I can add another 6 months to my 4 year recovering.  Before I found out I was pregnant we had joined a gym to help get through winter and at some points I was starting to loose a little of the battle.  Sometimes I would become jealous of how certain women looked in the and how they worked out hard and I was only their for a max of 2 hour maybe 3/4 times a week.  I was trying to keep things under control and in MY control.  So, when we found out I was pregnant it was very easy for me to get back on the right track and to keep fighting this never ending fight.

There are a lot of BIG changes happening around our house hold this fall and i’m pretty excited but i’m not gonna lie, I’m also scared!  Timothy and I made the decision that I should be a stay at home mom with both boys due to not making any money with working and then having to pay for day care.  So, instead of being a part time stay at home mom like I am now, I will become a FULL time SHAM. I never thought I would be the women to become a stay at home mom but it make’s so much since to do that.  I would be working the 2 days to only pay for child care and then some.  So, my last day working at the Thompson Community Center facilitating the MindWorks will be August 26th,  Your probably wondering “Angela, you said baby isn’t due tell the first week of November, why is your last day August 26th?” Well, we chose that date because our current babysitter is going back to high school and we wanted to start saving money sooner.  Now that I think about it more, I realized that it will be nice to spend a month with Dominic and do things as a family the 3 of us before babies arrival.  At least that is what a lady who I work with pointed that out to me.  So, I’m rolling with that too.  I will also be able to hopefully establish a good daily routine with Dominic too before baby comes but one can only wait to see.

Also, another BIG change that is gong to happen is no more disposable diapers!  We are going to start cloth diapers on Dominic come September 1st and then also use them on baby.  I know, I know some of you are wondering why but we will be saving money in the long run and their will be less diapers in land fills which makes me feel pretty good.  Don’t get me wrong we will have some disposable diapers on hand for traveling or going to grandmas house to spend the night so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.  So, instead of buying 1 box of diapers for baby, 1 box for Dominic, and then another box of night time diapers for Dominic, I’ll be washing them on a daily biases which is fine with me seeing how I do laundry anyway.

Well that’s all for now fokes.  Take care and God Bless!!!

~Angela~

I know it has been some time since I have made a post and I apologize.  I have been very busy with being a mom and working part time and to be honest I get tired.

This month is very important to be, not only does my son turn 2 but February is Eating Disorder Awareness Month and many people/organizations are spreading the word about ED.  As next week approaches, I have realized that next week is a big week.  Not only does Dominic turn 2 on Ash Wednesday but that week is the week that I left Rogers Memorial Hospital and came home to continue on the road of recovery.  Back in 2009-2010 may Eating Disorder took hold of my life and everything I knew went downhill.  I couldn’t simply work out anymore and I could just sit down and eat something when I was feeling hungry.  My life was turned upside down and fast.  In July of 2010 I had my bridal shower and also completed my every first 5k the same day and I felt great, happy, and proud.  After that day I become very obsessed with my look, my weight, and what I ate.  On my wedding day in September my dress barely fit and I only thought about what and when I was going to eat.  Yes, I enjoyed that wonderful day with Tim but I could’ve enjoyed so much more of it.  The day after Christmas I became very sick and was taken to the ER in New London and I was told my body is very dehydrated and it’s starting to shut down.  The Dr. said I needed to change my ways and get some help.  That is when the waiting game began.  From December tell the 2^nd week of January I waited every day for a phone call from Rogers Memorial Hospital and when that call came I was excited but very, very scared.  The Eating Disorder told me not to go and that I would be miserable and so on.  My loving husband drove me all the way their and stayed with me and when he left, my heart melted and I cried.  This was going to be the longest time that I wouldn’t see time every day.  My true first day was very overwhelming and all the other patients in the ED wing all had feed tubs/bags, I was the only one that didn’t.  When meal time came around and an enormous plate of food was put in front of me, my heart sank.  I ate what I wanted which was little and was ready to leave, a staff member sat next to me and explained the rules and that I told me I need to eat ALL the food and if I refused, I would end up like the other members with a painful feeding tube down my nose and dripping into my stomach.

That was the moment that changed everything.  I didn’t want to be like that and I surely didn’t want that painful thing down my nose so I decided to fight and fight like I never had before.  Later that night a man who had a feeding tube sat next to me and introduced himself and stated “wow, I am so surprised you don’t have a tube in, you’re extremely skinny, and I’m just shocked”.  At first I wanted to say Thanks for saying I’m skinny but I don’t see it but I kept my mouth shut and just listened to his story.  His story of his road with recovery and how bumpy it is and how he is back where he started encouraged me even more to fight harder.  The following day I meet with my Psychologist and she was going over my labs with me and I said something cocky (I can’t remember what) and she looks at me and says “I don’t think you realize how serious this is, your body & organs are shutting down and they may never work like they should, and the chances of you having children are zero”.  I started crying because at that time my dream was to have 4 to 5 children and it was taken away from me.

During the course of January I gave it my all and it was time to transition to partial patient which gave me more responsivities and freedom.  I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle for roughly 3 weeks and I am very grateful that they opened up their home to me.  So, Mon – Fri I would drive to the Hospital for treatment and then make the commute back home and had weekends off.  It was hard at first because I had all the control in the evening and on the weekends so I was nervous.  I still at this point was not allowed to do any form of exercise and even had to watch how much I walked.  This was extremely hard for me, I am by nature a very active person and now it was taken from me and I had to watch what I’m feeling and why when I wanted to work out?  Say what?  But the good news is I made it through and in the middle of February I was released with everything set up for me when I came home.  The hospital found a Nutritionist and a Therapist for me, which I have extremely thankful for.

Since that week in February 2011 tell now February 2015 it has been a bumpy road and at times difficult.  After you leave a hospital or treatment it’s not always easy and those thoughts and feelings never go away.  They are always in the back of your mind waiting for the perfect time to come back.  That is what an Eating Disorder does.  It never leaves and your never curried, it’s all about how you handle it, how you deal with it, and how you fight it when it reveals its nasty self.  It’s a lot of work, energy, talking, feeling, and expressing yourself to someone and they gave you the tools to fight your way through.  They help you become strong and they help you find out the reasons why you have developed an Eating Disorder and for how long.

So in my 4 years of recovery so far, I am thankful for the support, love, and encouraging words I got from my WONDERFUL family and friends.  It was the longest 4 years of my life but the most wonderful time.  I became pregnant, my brother got married and they are now having a baby, I have lots of nieces and nephews I get to watch grow, I am still married to a pretty awesome guy, and many more.  These are the reasons I keep fighting each and every single day and will never give up on myself but understand I might get off track but I will for sure fight to get back on the right one.

God Bless,

Angela

During the Holiday season I seem to have a difficult time.  To me the Holiday season begins in October with Halloween and ends in January with New Years Day.  So, that is 4 months of Holidays, celebrations,parties, drinks, candy, and dinners filled with delicious foods.  Some foods maybe good as in  healthy and some some may be bad as in not so healthy.

So trying to stay balanced during this 4 months for me can be challenging.  I want to be able to enjoy the food around me but I also want/feel like I need to set a line to were I stop.  In the past I was an overeating at these Holiday gathers and with overeating comes the guilt of overeating or the guilt of not eating the healthier food.  Trying to stay balanced during these 4 months are very challenging not only with eating but also being able to find time to exercise so you don’t feel like a complete pile of poop after going to the parties or dinners or eating your child’s trick-treat candy (which I did).  Along with the festivities of the Holiday season comes the shopping, preparing, decorating, and planning which tends to take up A LOT of time and especially if you have a large family which means multiple parties/gatherings.   I want to be able to enjoy the parties and delicious food.  I don’t want to have to think, “oh man, how fating is that” or “when am I going to be able to work out?”.  My wish is to be able to enjoy the food I put into my body and not have to feel bad or think those thoughts.  I want to be able to look at my body before or after and think/say”dam I look GOOD”  I want to be able to enjoy the stretch marks I was blessed with from my pregnancy, I want to be able to enjoy the curves I have.  I want to be able to hop on the treadmill, bike, or elliptical and work out for 30 minutes and being okay with it. This is a life with an Eating Disorder.

I believe being able to do what I listed above all comes from our thinking process about our bodies and the food we eat and also with the words we say about our body.  I am challenging myself with a 30 Day Positive Body Thought.  Each day I am going to write at least 2 things positive about my body or myself.  Some examples would be; great calves, nice hair, or nice butt. 🙂  Not only am I challenging myself with the 30 Day Positive Body Thought, I am also challenging you!  Research has proven that it takes 17 to 21 days for something to become a habit, would’ent this be a great habit to have?  Saying wonderful, positive things about your body?  Also, research has proven that saying positive things about your body or self increases your self-esteem, self-worth, and self love.  Another wonderful reason to do this challenge with me.

I came up with this 30 Day Positive Body Thought challenge after I watched a video that I stumbled across on Pinterest when I was looking for Pins on body image.  The video is called Embrace by Taryn Brumfitt.  It is a very moving video about body image and embracing our bodies how they are.  This video made my cry because I realized I’m truly do not love my body.

Here is the link for the Embrace Documentary, please click and watch.  http://kck.st/1l2mMib

Thank You,

God Bless

This week is a busy week for me, I am working at all three of my jobs this week and their not all in Dale.  I have a lot of driving to due but well worth it.  Last night after we ate dinner, I was sitting on the floor with Dominic playing with trucks and then he left me and went to play with his Daddy.  Those two laughing together is the best sound in the world and I could listen to it all day long.  So, I was sitting in the kitchen alone checking my Facebook page and came across the last video that Brittany Manurd posted on Youtube.  I was watching I of course started to cry right away.  She then started speaking about a series of seizures that she had in one day and how at the end of them she was looking at her husband and knew it was him but couldn’t think of his name.  That statement broke my heart and I began to cry even more.  I felt bad for her because no one should have that feeling no matter their age and I would with individuals who have been diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimer and one particular lady tell’s me regularly that this isn’t they way she planned to die.  She didn’t plan to die not being able to recognize her family or husband.  We often think that if people don’t look like they are sick then they are really not sick but that’s not the case.  Her can be physically in good shape but your mind could be falling apart or you organs could be falling apart.  “Never judge a book by it’s cover” and this little quote relates so will to people.

After watching Brittany video I sat on the floor for some time and thought about all the obstacles that I have over come in my life from small to big and thought about her I don’t even have the amount of strength that she has and bravery.   I also began thinking about how we as a society often focus on the materialistic things in our life or our daily chores and jobs that we need to take care of.  I don’t think we really step back and look at or life as much as we should.  Our lives yes a filled with some pretty negative parts but hell it is also full of wonderful parts too.  I looked around my dinner room/kitchen and I’m thankful for the stuff in it i.e fridge, stove, water, and food but I am truly thankful for Timothy and Dominic.  With out those to guys my life would be boring and probably not has busy lol.

Brittany has helped me realize what I want out of my life and how I am for sure not going to let an eating disorder take over and ruin the wonderful life that I am living.  I am going to work harder each and every day to make good choices for myself and for my family.  Those choices include not stressing over the little stuff that truly in the end doesn’t even matter.  To be well balanced mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  To enjoy every day like it is my last and to spend as much time as I can with Dominic and Tim.

God Bless!

I have some exciting news to share.  October 31st will be my last day working at a part time job at a daycare and I feel relived.  When I first attended college at FVTC I was in the Early Childhood Education program and graduated with the degree around 2010.  During the time I was working part time at this daycare and after graduation I had my own room working with 4 year old children (whoot whoot).  After a few years, and when I started to struggle with my eating disorder, I quite my job while I was in treatment.  At that time my husband and I felt like that job was a big stress-er for me and would fuel my eating disorder.  So, when I returned home in February, I took some more time for myself and stayed home for a few months. I was very busy, went to therapy 2 times a week and saw my dietitian once a week.  Therapy can be very exhausting so I am thankful I didn’t have to work on top of that.  After a few months, Tim and I felt like it was time to return to work part time, which I did, and worked at the gas station here in town.

One of my goals while in treatment wast to return to school and have children.  So, a few months of working at the gas station part time, I returned to school.  At first it was very hard to adjust to a new schedule with figuring out how I was going to fit everything in but I did with the help of my therapist and the awesome boss and manager that I had.  So I was on the right track to achieving this goal.  Finally, I passed and finished all my general education classes and began the Occupational Therapy Assistant Program also at FVTC and I’m not going to lie, that first few months and even towards the end of the semester I wasn’t sure if that was something I wanted pursue .  I felt like I didn’t have the knowledge and skills to carry out the responsibilities of a COTA in the different fields/settings.  The summer before the second semester I found out that Tim and I were blessed with a pregnancy, which was and is still one of my goals.  I spent the second semester of college working and preparing for a little boy.  Towards the end of the semester I had made the decision to quite the gas station so I had give my full attention to college and make sure I had what I needed ready for Dominic’s arrival.  Dominic was due and was born in February 2013 and a month before this I had just started my third semester, which was known at that time as the hardest semester due to a class/instructor that we had.  Which was very, very true.  Dominic was born in the middle of the month and I only took 2 weeks off and still had to Skype the 2nd week for the class I talked about above.  I was so overwhelmed with school, homework, home, and baby that I didn’t know where to start.  Thankfully when I returned back to school, the following week was spring break so I was able to catch up on ALL of my homework.  Thank Goodness!!!

Between the third and fourth semesters of college I went back to work for the summer at the daycare that I had worked at prior and let me tell ya I MISSED IT!  I never thought I would but I did.  I really enjoy working with children very much, so when I had to leave in August 2013 to start the fourth semester it was hard.  You build bonds with children and see the sadness in the face when you tell them you leave but I had too.  I didn’t struggle with the last semester with school and a newborn for nothing right?  The fourth semester was completing field work at two different facilities that we were able to pick and you “worked” forty hours week and were NOT PAID.  Which sucked big time.  My first rotation was at a rehab facility and the second rotation was at a school district and I LOVED THEM BOTH.  I graduated in December 2013 from the Occupational Therapy Assistant Program and let’s just say WHOOT WHOOT!!

When January rolled around I had again returned to work at the daycare center until I found something in my field.  In August 2014,I finally found a job that I would be utilizing my skills regarding Dementia, Alzheimer, and memory loss.  This job was/is only part time and I’m their 2 times a week but there is potential for the job become something more.

So, a long story short, I was working two days facilitating a group, preparing, and paper work and the other 3 days a week I was working 10 1/2 hour days with children.  I would only see Dominic on some days 30 minutes to 1 hr 1/2 before having to put him to bed.  Not only was that making my feel bad, and horrible, I was also physically drained and would fall asleep right after I would put Dominic to bed.  He goes to bed around 7/7:30 so shortly after that I would fall asleep.  So, I wasn’t even spending much time with my husband either and I wasn’t getting to do the things I loved to do.  Like fitness, crafting, blogging, cooking, baking, and scrap-booking.  I also wasn’t getting the house “jobs” done which really, really bugged me.  I wasn’t happy with how my life was going and I was becoming tired of feeling the way I was.  So, I sat down when morning and figured out our expenses in detail and discovered that I wasn’t bringing much home from my second job and was actually spending more on childcare.  So, I had to make a decision, Tim and I chatted about it and figured out our financial situation, we chatted about other ways of finding income, and we chatted about Dominic and what he needs.  We cam to the conclusion for right now and maybe for a long time depending on what the future brings us, that I will be a part time stay at home mom!

With being a NEW part time stay at home mom it brings some concerns to my mind such as; money, schedule, and WINTER.  Currently my biggest concern is winter and what we will be doing.  I do not want to become a hermit and stay home all the time and I am sure Dominic doesn’t want to do that either.  So, hopefully Wisconsin doesn’t get dumped on with a lot of school and maybe not as cold either!!  That would be great!  If you have any ideas regarding activities for the winter months please share!

Good Bless!

Angela

Hello there,

Once again it has been sometime since I have posted a blog.  I am very sorry and I am extremely busy with 3 jobs,  crazy I know lol.

So, lets get started!  On September 21st or 22nd (I can’t remember for sure) I ran my first 1/2 Marathon and LOVED every minute of it and plan on running another next year.  I was blessed with running the Marathon with my cousin Molly and we ran together the entire time.  We started off very strong, listening to no music, strong pace, and no rain.  When we reached approached mile 8 we both looked at each other, smiled, and put our ear buds in and turned on our music.  We also slowed down our pace which I was happy about and it sadly started to mist.  At least everyone wouldn’t be able to tell if I was sweating really bad or if it was rain hahaha.  There is always something positive for something negative.  For this event we had two goals; goal one: to NOT walk at all.  Drinking water does count because she and I are not the most graceful people at drinking water and running at the same time lol.  Our second goal was to finish under 2 hours and 30 minutes.  We achieved BOTH goals, we never walked besides drinking water and we finished at 2 hours and 18 minutes!  WHOOT WHOOT!!

Leading about to this event, she and I didn’t really train like we should have.  I think I ran maybe 2 times in August and the same with her.  In the Spring time she and I were running often but life took over.  She is in college and exams started popping up and with me, well boards, jobs, wife duties, and mommy duties started to take over.

While I was running, I kept thinking about how this event is related to life.  As I was running I wanted to stop, I was sore, and just at enough at times.  Does that sound familiar with life?  As the thoughts and temptations filled my mind, I would glance over at my cousin who was also experiencing some pain and discomfort BUT she kept pushing herself.  She was for sure my motivator.  I was also thinking about how proud I would be of myself to finish strong and how I achieved my goals and those thoughts were my motivator too.

Life obstacles and event obstacles will sadly also be there no matter what and over come those obstacles when needs to believe in themselves and the people who are in your life/sharing those moments of struggles.

Have a great hump day!

Sorry I am a little late on posting this but at least I posted it right lol!

So, on Sunday September 7th, 2014 Tim, Kimberly, and myself competed in the Tough Mudder.  Which is 12 to 13 miles long and filled with 22 to 25 obstacles and some pretty steep hills we had to climb.  It was the best time of my life.  I suggest everyone should do this event sometime in their life and the proceeds go to a really good cause, Wounded Worrier.

So, the first obstacle was a small wall to get into the pit where there was man going over the rules and other information.  So, I thought to myself, ” I got this small wall, I don’t need Tim’s help.”  With that being said, Tim went first like it was nothing and then I went.  I was able to push myself up and then my hand slipped and smack, I landed on my ribs.  My first reaction was to laugh and  then I thought, “WOW that’s a great start to this event!”

As I was running with my team mates and completing obstacles, I was thinking to myself about how this event is such a good character builder for a person and it made me think about all aspects of life.  Such as, fitness, mental, spirituality, emotional, and how all of those aspects of life are needed to some degree  from completing courses/obstacles like this to being happy in life.  This is also like battling an eating disorder.  If you let those negative thoughts about your body, food, and what you eat constantly fill your mind your going to be hurting and struggling to stay afloat.  that is why for me I try to kick those right away like I did with my thoughts regarding the obstacles.  Positive thoughts make a good difference and are important in staying on the road of good health in all the aspects of life.

Before this day came, I truly believed I wouldn’t be able to complete most of the courses due to the lack of upper body strength I though I didn’t have but that day when I saw the obstacles I thought to myself. “I got this, I’m going to kick all the obstacles ass”!  I think I changed my mind due to the others around me.  Everyone was so bumped up, excited, and ready to take on the world.  So I followed along and I’m very happy I did.  I am very happy I did this event and  can’t wait until next year and I will be  in a little better shape so I worn’t be so sore the next two days.

Take Care,

Angela

Why I can’t I be happy with how I look???  I just don’t understand this.  I try so hard to accept my body shape and try to alter my feelings about my body but in the end it never works.  Why?

Either in the spring time I dropped a lot of weight and was slowly slipping back into that horrible way of an Eating Disorder.  Thankfully I was able to recognize the path and found the needed help to figure out what was happening and drive off the slippery path.  I am proud to say I am on the right path but I have been hitting some pumps lately.

When I was too skinny, I liked how I looked to a degree,  like my flat stomach loved it.  But I HATED how my clothing didn’t fit and I HATED how my muscle tone in my arms and legs wasn’t big and strong looking.  I didn’t like how I felt so weak and tired all the time.  I didn’t like how I was losing my temper fast at times.  Now, that I haven’t been obsessed about working out everything single day of my life, and I only aim for 3 to 4 days a week and try to make it fun.  But now I feel like I’m fat, “lumpy”, and  “jiggly”. I have noticed that I have been doing some what is called “body checking”.  If your not familiar with this term, it is standing in front of a mirror and looking at yourself and point out the “trouble” areas.  Now I don’t do this 24/7, I would say maybe 5 times a week if that.  Which is 5 times too many.

So, in all, I just do not understand why I can’t be happy with how my body looks all the time and why I can’t feel good about it all the time.  Don’t get me wrong, this negative thinking and thought process doesn’t happen all day every day but a good chunk of the time.  Also, please do not let this honesty affect your opinion about me.  I am still the same Angela but just fighting what feels like a never ending battle with an Eating Disorder.

God Bless,

Angela