Why I can’t I be happy with how I look??? I just don’t understand this. I try so hard to accept my body shape and try to alter my feelings about my body but in the end it never works. Why?
Either in the spring time I dropped a lot of weight and was slowly slipping back into that horrible way of an Eating Disorder. Thankfully I was able to recognize the path and found the needed help to figure out what was happening and drive off the slippery path. I am proud to say I am on the right path but I have been hitting some pumps lately.
When I was too skinny, I liked how I looked to a degree, like my flat stomach loved it. But I HATED how my clothing didn’t fit and I HATED how my muscle tone in my arms and legs wasn’t big and strong looking. I didn’t like how I felt so weak and tired all the time. I didn’t like how I was losing my temper fast at times. Now, that I haven’t been obsessed about working out everything single day of my life, and I only aim for 3 to 4 days a week and try to make it fun. But now I feel like I’m fat, “lumpy”, and “jiggly”. I have noticed that I have been doing some what is called “body checking”. If your not familiar with this term, it is standing in front of a mirror and looking at yourself and point out the “trouble” areas. Now I don’t do this 24/7, I would say maybe 5 times a week if that. Which is 5 times too many.
So, in all, I just do not understand why I can’t be happy with how my body looks all the time and why I can’t feel good about it all the time. Don’t get me wrong, this negative thinking and thought process doesn’t happen all day every day but a good chunk of the time. Also, please do not let this honesty affect your opinion about me. I am still the same Angela but just fighting what feels like a never ending battle with an Eating Disorder.