Have you ever just wanted to give up the fight? Give up the fight your been fighting for so long to get your life back to normal or the fight you’ve been fighting to have a normal relationship with food and exercise. I’m exchausted and just want to give up the fight. I’m tired of being tired or emotionally drained because I’ve been fighting in my head to be okay with how my body looks and to love my body for all the wonderful things it had down during three pregnancies. I’m tried of constantly fighting my thoughts about food and how it doesn’t matter as long as I’m healthy that I can have that candy bar or whatever. I’m over the fight. I want to through in the towel and just let this stupid eating disorder take over. But then I remember I’m a mom now and I need to continue to keep fighting so I can show and teach my children how to love their body, except their body, and just love themselves. I need to teach and show my children that all good is good for you in moderation. I need to show and teach my children how to fight for themselves and others or something they truely believe in. Today is one of those days where life has just become to much or I have become too much. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I’ve come so far from where I was a few months ago. A few months ago I didn’t waist endless hours on my phone or completely eat like shit because I can or stop drinking water and turn to soda and alcohol. A few months ago I would workout/move my body at least 3 times a week or more. A few months ago I would read books to my children before they went to bed. A few months ago I was taking better care of my skin and my teeth. I want that balance back! It has been gone for a few months.

Have you ever sat down with yourself and have a come to Jesus chat? I have, I had too. I was losing myself and then some. I told myself to night give up the fight and keep punching forward. I’ve decided to put myself first. I now write it down in my daily planner to brush my teeth and wash my face. It keeps me more accountable everyday and I make sure I get them done. I started working out again and main does moving my body around feel right. I’ve noticed a big change in my thinking and I’ve become more positive again. Which is my normal shelf. I’ve started eating more vegetables and and fruits everyday because I miss they way they make my body feel and give it energy. I’ve cut make on how much and how many days I’m drinking alcohol and I check in with myself to why I’m drinking. This is very important to do for bad habits can develop around drinking. I’m starting to drink more water everyday. I set small daily goals for myself and now l’m back up to 80+ ounces a day. My nails are becoming stronger and I’ve noticed a change in my skin. I’m hopping this is going to help with my acne alone with washing my face more often, fingers crossed. I’ve also started reading more books. I like the thriller mixed with romance books!! Reading as helped me with my memory, less time on my phone, and less tv time. Also, reading has helped my fall asleep better even though I find myself some nights staying up way later then I should be. I’ve also decided to make more time to blog. Blogging so very therapeutic for me and it’s a great way to get thoughts out, sharing recipes or whatever it is with others and hopefully you get something out of what I share/post.

At the end of the day balance is key and is very important. I’m really good at not balancing myself into that balance.

**I wrote this during summer when life was getting tough and anxiety was slowly starting to rear its nasty little head.**

God Bless,

Angela

It’s crazy that 8 months have gone by since I last posted on my blog. Thats how crazy busy life can get in a blink of an eye. A lot has changed around here at the house and for me.

I’m a year older now, 33 and loving it. I have had some health “scares” if you will or issues depending on how you look at it. For about two months I wasn’t feeling myself and over the course of those two months my symptoms became worse and I finally went to the doctor for it. The doctor and I discussed what was going on and we came to the conclusion I was experiencing Anxiety and depression mixed in with panic attacks. We also talked about getting some blood work down to check my thyroid to make sure it was working correctly and we fond out that my TCH levels were slightly off which could have been due to stress from all that was going on. I just got my thyroid rechecked, it was a months between the two blood tests, and the TCH was normal but the T3 level was slightly off so I have been referred to a endocrinologist to make sure everything is okay and I’ll be seeing that doctor the first week of January. I’m praying everything is okay and that it’s not any form of cancer.

Getting back to the anxiety and depression that I have been experiencing, the doctor suggested and prescribed me some medication and a referral to see someone in behavioral health. I was very hesitant on taking any medication because I haven’t taken any before and I don’t take a daily medication to begin with so I was nervous about having to do that and nervous about what the Hubs would think. His opinion matters to me the must and I know when it comes to my health my opinion should be the only one that matters. I was worried he would look at my differently knowing I was on medication but he doesn’t. He still loves my the same!! Before I started taking the medication I sat down with the Hubs and told him my concerns, mostly that he wouldn’t love me anymore which is stupid but the truth. Needless to say he told me he’ll love me no matter what and that he just wants me to feel better. Knowing that I started taking the medication the next day and within a few days I started to feel more myself and now after taking the medication for a month a half I feel 100% myself and I’m LOVING it. My positive attitude is back, energy is back, patients with the kids is back, and over all the motivation to live a meaningful life is back.

Your mental health is no joke friends and its important to seek help if you’r not feeling like yourself. Don’t worry what others my think, focus on yourself first and if they don’t support your choice to get help then they don’t need to be in your life. Some my need to be educated on whats going on and by all means you can suggest that before cutting them out of your life. I had to educate my mother on anxiety and now she doesn’t give me a hard time about it.

Remember your important and loved!!

God Bless,

Angela

Oh man what a busy last couple of weeks. I have been so busy I haven’t had the time or sadly the energy to blog and that makes me sad. I really enjoy blogging but heat and family come first. About 3 weeks ago my husband hurt is being loading up the wood stove which heats our house. He could barley walk and we needed more wood split and for the next two weeks which were going to be -degrees outside. I became the wood lady and let me tell you I’m over being the wood lady. Ever since we moved here to the farm I would get so jealous of Timothy being able to split wood and have all the quit time be himself. I am no longer jealous of him hahaha. It wasn’t that I couldn’t split wood because I can and I did and over the course of the three week I got really fast at doing it. I didn’t like how I couldn’t get the wedge just right in the log or the log CONSTANTLY tipping over onto it’s side. That become so irritating and it would take more time and time I didn’t really have.

Besides being the wood lady splitting the wood I also had to check the fire regularly and take care of all the chores inside the house and all the chores outside the house. I was still watching children during the day along with helping Timothy. There were times were I didn’t go to bed tell midnight, one o’clock because I was still taking care of things that I didn’t get to. Ugh it was so tough being two people and having ALL the responsibility on my shoulders but I’m so happy it happened. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I learned what it would be like to be by myself.

I’ve learned that I relay A LOT on Timothy and him dong all the “man chores” like taking care of the wood. That didn’t make me happy but after being the wood lady I now know I can being the wood lady again if needed. I haven’t fully stopped tending to the wood, Timothy and I do the wood together at night. Over the course of the last three weeks I really learned a lot from Timothy when he would come out with me in the evenings. I learned how to stack the wood good in the wood stove for it last all night. I’ve learned which wood is better to use during the night and which is better to use during the day. I’ve learned wet wood isn’t too good to use but it will get the job done as long as there are dry wood mixed in with it. Wet wood burns very, very fast.

I also was able to spend some time with my father in law. We were running out of wood and I had asked him to help me cut wood because I haven’t learned how to use a chain saw yet. I only know how to use a maul and a axe and I wasn’t about to ax down a tree let alone during winter haha. He came over a couple of days and cut down trees and I collected the wood. It was a great time, it brought back memories of helping my dad with collecting and stacking wood. I’m so happy I have this memory too!!!

Now that Timothys back is normal I’ll have more time to climb back on the blogging train.

~God Bless

Angela

I can’t believe my baby girl is two years old! How did this happen? Where has the time gone? I feel like she was just born yesterday and now she’s a little girl.

Her personality is starting to shine and she’s full of life. Her favorite thing to do is yell “NO” very loud when asked a question and she loves to scream at the top of her lunges and sometimes for no reason. Her screams are eye piercing and makes you plug your ears and hope it ends soon. Her other favorite thing to do is strip! She loves to run around in her diaper at any given chance and she like wrestling an alligator when it’s time to put her clothes back on. It’s real fun. hahahahaha. This can happen multiple times a day. The joys of raising a two year old.

She currently really into animals specifically cows and horses. Our neighbors down the road have seven horses and when we drive past she enjoys when we slowly drive past and she gets to look at all the beautiful horses. I’m trying to talk her daddy into getting a pony but he isn’t buying it lol. Hopefully one day.

She’s saying more and more every day and they are becoming clearer and easier to understand what she’s talking about or referring to. It’s so awesome to watch her become more of a toddler and losing her baby ways but also sad for she is possibly our last baby.

Josie also enjoys getting out of the house when she does. She’ll scream ” by by” and waves and runs away to get her boots on and digging out her gloves from the basket. She unfortunately doesn’t get out of the house much due to me watching kiddos in the home and covid.

God Bless

~Angela

The last time I had Christmas with my dad’s side of the family was eight years ago. I was very pregnant with Dominic and they had blessed us with a carseat stroller combo. It was a very awesome gift and we still have it, the stroller that is.

My family since then has gotten together every year, some years near Christmas some years its been after Christmas in January. My dad went to those first three years after the last time I was their and I wonder what they told him when he asked where his family is? They probally lied and said we are working and couldn’t make it or we didn’t want to come. I hope it wasn’t the last one, how crushing would that have been for my dad. Every year after I see all the pictures on FaceBook that my cousin shares my heart is always broken. At first it didn’t hurt too bad because there was a BIG rip between us and them but after my dad has passed and we were closer together as a family I thought things would be different and we would be included in all the family gatherings. But nothing has changed and it crushes my heart.

I’m sure you can tell by now but this last weekend my family had gotten together at my Aunt and Uncles house and had a “family fishery” as my cousin called it on the tittle of the alum she created on FaceBook. As soon as I saw them I broke down, sobbing, and asking why? I just don’t understand, if they don’t like me which what ever that’s their feelings, I just wish they would tell me so I know how to file that in my brain and every time I see family photos of them I won’t be crushed and I’ll know how to move on from it. Not knowing why is the hardest thing for me. I can guess all the reasons why but they aren’t true unless they tell me.

It also crushes my heart because the older boys know about that side of the family and Dominic had picked a

a few years ago that has my uncle, aunt, dad, and their mom on it and he knows all the people. One day he’s going to ask my why and I want to be able to answer the best I can and with the truth. You would also think they would want to get to know the dead brothers grandkids and have a somewhat relationship with them. Like Jim is never coming back and these kiddos are the second closest thing to him besides my brother Aaron and I.

After I was cooled off and had time alone while doing chores and asking God and my dad what I should do

if I should wash my hands of them or contact them asking why. I still don’t know the answer to the questions, neither have answered them. If you know let me know in the comments below. But after cooling and when I was back inside, I commented on my cousins album saying “wow looks like a great day and what a nice day too”. It was nothing mean but I commented with the hopes that she and my auntie she tagged alone with my other cousin would see it and think “oh shit Ang” or maybe they would worry that others would notice then that I wasn’t their nor was my brother. There were ton’s of comments like “wow what great family memories”, “what a great family”, and the list goes on. I could have said something mean but FaceBook isn’t the place to do that, face to face is best or in a text message or phone call.

I’m hoping I can finally get over this somehow and not care anymore but I know I will always care and wonder why not only for myself but for my children. Next month will be 8 years and it still feels like I lost him yesterday.

God Bless

~Angela

How is it already Saturday? I can’t believe it!! This week has flown by so fast and I feel like I haven’t done much. I haven’t workout out this week and I haven’t been eating very clean either. This week was virtual week here and these weeks are never fun hahaha. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth to get hime to complete all of his work but I’m happy to announce that he has completed it all!!! I also watched my nephew this week who is also doing virtual learning and thank goodness he’s only in Kindergarten so not much online work but there were worksheets that needed to be done.

On top of virtual work I also had a slough of kiddos throughout the week and my goodness I was tired at the end of those days and fell asleep early. Like eight o’lock early. I now know what it would be like to have lots of children and having to sling out lots of plates for meal times and TONS of snacks.

Throughout the course of the week I had a very overwhelming feeling and I finally figured out why. I tried to cram in starting all my goals in the same week and let me tell you it was a BIG FAIL. You can’t start all the goals in the same week, it just doesn’t work. It becomes too much and hard fitting in all the new things in one day when you haven’t started a routine. This up coming week I am picking one goal to start with and will be only focusing on that goal for two weeks and then I’ll add in the next goal and focus on the both for two weeks, and so on. This I feel will be more manageable and I can get a good routine going again. Its crazy how the holidays can throw everything off.

God Bless

~Angela

Happy New Year and who’s ready for 2021? I’m not totally ready but it’s here ready or not. I hope 2021 is filled with happy times and achieving goals.

We aren’t doing much here just relaxing and watching movies together as a family and eating popcorn. I think Timothy and I are going to play a few board games to ring in the new year. What are you doing to celebrate? Let me know in the comments below. Below are my goals for 2021;

~2021 Goals~

*Reading more books. I’m shooting to read about 25 book’s in 2021. My plan is to read at least 10 minutes a day and hopefully that will turn into hours a day. 🙂

*Continue to move my body for 30 minutes a day.

*Eat more vegetables and fruit at meals and one snack every day.

*More adventures outside by myself and with family.

*Bake more goodies from scratch.

*Make more meals from scratch.

*Make updates to our homestead like; adding onto the goat pen, adding two sheep to the homestead, and a turkey or two. 🙂

*Continue to LOVE my body and all that it can do!!!

~God Bless

Angela

When I was in elementary school I was diagnosed with activity induced asthma and had to us an inhaler as needed while being activity. I played a lot of sports from volleyball, basketball, and softball and played them all year round and I wouldn’t have changed that at all. I would however change how competitive it can be to be the best player and would change it to being enjoyable but still competitive with the other team.

A few years in my asthma was becoming worse and I needed more medication besides an inhaler to help me breath. So I want to a pulmanary doctor and he prescribed my two meds which help tramensicely. That doctor, my primary doctor, and family would tell me that as I age it will get better or I would grow out of it. Every year I got older my ashtma never got better and I started to be come very embarrased by it. While playing sporting games and practices I would have a asthma attack and it was always loud. My broncial tubes in my lungs become flammed and getting air in and out is very hard and wizzing occurs and my wizzing was always loud and still is. Teamates would stare and people in the audicance would stare and I don’t blame them but it does it annoying. I had a coach once tell me that I really don’t have asthma that I’m actually hyperventalating on purpose. What that coach said crush me and made my hate that sport and I really didn’t want to finish out the season but I wasn’t allowed to quit.

As I age and my journey with asthma continues, I’ve learned to manage it better and respect it. I know that sounds silly but it’s true. You need to respect asthma or any other medical condition that you have and really understand how it affects your body. I no longer push myself anymore during physical activity and I take more breaks when needed. Taking deeps soothing breaths really helps and in visioning my lunges open and close each time I take a breath really helps and I suggest doing that. My asthma isn’t leaving me anytime soon, I’ve just learned how to deal with it.

~God Bless

Angela

When we first moved out of our parents home and into the apartment we had bought some dishes and utensil’s from the dollar store. We’ve kept these utensil’s when we moved into our first home and even kept them when we were gifted a kitchen set and we still have them now. They are great transition forks and spoons for the kids.

While I was deep into my eating disorder I would only use those utensil’s when eating meals and during my first round of therapy I never thought much about it why I chose them. I just told myself that I didn’t want to dirty the new utensil’s and keep them lasting as long as I can. Why not use the dollar store ones tell they bust, they are in fact only a dollar.

Over the course of recovery, I hate to admit it but I used the dollar tree forks and spoons all the time because I viewed and valued myself as that much, a dollar, worthless, and meaning less. Thats how low I was when my eating disorder consumed my life and my every thought. Those feeling at every meal lead to having suicidal thoughts and thank goodness I never acted on them because my family wouldn’t be here today and neither would I.

Every time I go into the silverware draw to grab what I need I always think about what those utensil’s did mean and their purpose and what they mean now. I never grab them for myself to use on a daily basis and probably never will. I have value, purpose, and I am worth so much and much more. I may from time to time use the fork or spoon as a challenge to myself that those past beliefs or feelings have no hold over me now and to remind the eating disorder that it doesn’t have a hold on me with the utensil.

~God Bless

Angela

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and enjoyed all that it brings. Christmas here was wonderful and magical. It was nice not having to rush anywhere and they kiddos were able to open presents and play with them without needing to be rushed to move onto the next thing or house. They decorated cookies, all three of them, and Josie then undecorated her cookies hahaha. I stayed in my jammies ALL DAY LONG and it was wonderful!!!! I also didn’t do much of anything besides cooking meals and doing chores that was about it. It was so nice and watching the kiddos play with their toys and watch Christmas movies was awesome. As much as I wish everyday was Christmas I am back to reality today cleaning up all the Christmas explosions that were all around the house. No I didn’t take down my Christmas decorations yet but I did clean up all the garbage from Christmas a long with the toys that were left all over the house. OMG the kitchen was HORRIBLE, thats the one room where you really shouldn’t take a day off from cleaning, dirty dishes every where I looked.

It’s time to get back to reality and get ready for the week thats fast approaching.

~God Bless

Angela