I know it has been some time since I have made a post and I apologize. I have been very busy with being a mom and working part time and to be honest I get tired.
This month is very important to be, not only does my son turn 2 but February is Eating Disorder Awareness Month and many people/organizations are spreading the word about ED. As next week approaches, I have realized that next week is a big week. Not only does Dominic turn 2 on Ash Wednesday but that week is the week that I left Rogers Memorial Hospital and came home to continue on the road of recovery. Back in 2009-2010 may Eating Disorder took hold of my life and everything I knew went downhill. I couldn’t simply work out anymore and I could just sit down and eat something when I was feeling hungry. My life was turned upside down and fast. In July of 2010 I had my bridal shower and also completed my every first 5k the same day and I felt great, happy, and proud. After that day I become very obsessed with my look, my weight, and what I ate. On my wedding day in September my dress barely fit and I only thought about what and when I was going to eat. Yes, I enjoyed that wonderful day with Tim but I could’ve enjoyed so much more of it. The day after Christmas I became very sick and was taken to the ER in New London and I was told my body is very dehydrated and it’s starting to shut down. The Dr. said I needed to change my ways and get some help. That is when the waiting game began. From December tell the 2nd week of January I waited every day for a phone call from Rogers Memorial Hospital and when that call came I was excited but very, very scared. The Eating Disorder told me not to go and that I would be miserable and so on. My loving husband drove me all the way their and stayed with me and when he left, my heart melted and I cried. This was going to be the longest time that I wouldn’t see time every day. My true first day was very overwhelming and all the other patients in the ED wing all had feed tubs/bags, I was the only one that didn’t. When meal time came around and an enormous plate of food was put in front of me, my heart sank. I ate what I wanted which was little and was ready to leave, a staff member sat next to me and explained the rules and that I told me I need to eat ALL the food and if I refused, I would end up like the other members with a painful feeding tube down my nose and dripping into my stomach.
That was the moment that changed everything. I didn’t want to be like that and I surely didn’t want that painful thing down my nose so I decided to fight and fight like I never had before. Later that night a man who had a feeding tube sat next to me and introduced himself and stated “wow, I am so surprised you don’t have a tube in, you’re extremely skinny, and I’m just shocked”. At first I wanted to say Thanks for saying I’m skinny but I don’t see it but I kept my mouth shut and just listened to his story. His story of his road with recovery and how bumpy it is and how he is back where he started encouraged me even more to fight harder. The following day I meet with my Psychologist and she was going over my labs with me and I said something cocky (I can’t remember what) and she looks at me and says “I don’t think you realize how serious this is, your body & organs are shutting down and they may never work like they should, and the chances of you having children are zero”. I started crying because at that time my dream was to have 4 to 5 children and it was taken away from me.
During the course of January I gave it my all and it was time to transition to partial patient which gave me more responsivities and freedom. I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle for roughly 3 weeks and I am very grateful that they opened up their home to me. So, Mon – Fri I would drive to the Hospital for treatment and then make the commute back home and had weekends off. It was hard at first because I had all the control in the evening and on the weekends so I was nervous. I still at this point was not allowed to do any form of exercise and even had to watch how much I walked. This was extremely hard for me, I am by nature a very active person and now it was taken from me and I had to watch what I’m feeling and why when I wanted to work out? Say what? But the good news is I made it through and in the middle of February I was released with everything set up for me when I came home. The hospital found a Nutritionist and a Therapist for me, which I have extremely thankful for.
Since that week in February 2011 tell now February 2015 it has been a bumpy road and at times difficult. After you leave a hospital or treatment it’s not always easy and those thoughts and feelings never go away. They are always in the back of your mind waiting for the perfect time to come back. That is what an Eating Disorder does. It never leaves and your never curried, it’s all about how you handle it, how you deal with it, and how you fight it when it reveals its nasty self. It’s a lot of work, energy, talking, feeling, and expressing yourself to someone and they gave you the tools to fight your way through. They help you become strong and they help you find out the reasons why you have developed an Eating Disorder and for how long.
So in my 4 years of recovery so far, I am thankful for the support, love, and encouraging words I got from my WONDERFUL family and friends. It was the longest 4 years of my life but the most wonderful time. I became pregnant, my brother got married and they are now having a baby, I have lots of nieces and nephews I get to watch grow, I am still married to a pretty awesome guy, and many more. These are the reasons I keep fighting each and every single day and will never give up on myself but understand I might get off track but I will for sure fight to get back on the right one.