Mind Games……….Suck!

I’ve started a new workout program again last week and I had actually started it once a month ago and only completed the first week and half of the second and then I got sick so I didn’t finish. So I started it up again this past week. I had all intentions of doing every scheduled day but life happened and I ended up moving my body differently. I either played around outside with the kiddos or took the puppy on a walk or did both. There may have been a day or two that I didn’t do much and thats OKAY. We shouldn’t feel guilty if we took a day off or didn’t get the planned program workout in. And thats exactly what I did. I started to beat myself up about not staying on track with my workouts and judging myself for what I was eating or drinking (this momma likes to have some wine).

Ugh its sooo annoying that I do that and that habit and way of thinking is definitely a learned. I was either taught from family members or social media. Social media is the worst sometimes. I’m working on being okay with what I eat and I would like to become a more intuitive eater thats my ultimate goal.

So like I said above this week I started back up on doing the workouts via the program and I had my days off in the program. So for example I left off on last Thursday’s workout but I ended up doing Thursday workout on Monday. It felt strange but thats what I wanted to do and let me tell you my mind starting spinning with how I could squeeze in more workouts in each day so I could be caught up again. These workouts are 25-30 minutes so if I would have done two workouts I would be working out for an hour straight. The more I thought about it, it had dawned on me, I was like oh shit! That was a warning sign for me that, my eating disorder is trying to peak its nasty head and take control. So I talked myself off the edge of doing two workouts and told myself that one workout for the day is great!

I LOVE moving my body if thats either dancing, running, weight training, cardio, or yoga I love moving body and how it makes me feel. I feel mentally more stable and I feel more grounded. The moment I feel lost or consumed with the thought of working out more I try to remind myself of how far I have come on this road of recovery from my eating disorder.

When my eating disorder was controlling my life and I was at my worst, I remember this so clearly, I jumped slowly on the scale like a fragile glass doll filled with anxiety. I was so anxious about what number was going to appear on the scale even thought I had been on the scale that morning after my first workout of the day. The moment the number flashed on I was filled with joy and then sadness. Ninety eight pounds what how much I weighted that evening after my evening workout and right before dinner. My eating disorder goal was to weight less then one hundred pounds and I had achieved. It was like I wanted to see how low my weight could get.

The number on the scale means absolutely NOTHING! You mean so mush more then that number and I’m here for you!!

God Bless

~Angela

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