Living with ED

The road of recovery can be a bumpy one.  We may travel down a smooth road for a length of time but then out of know where we hit a big bump and the road becomes continuously bumpy.  Traveling down this bumpy road is when big emotions come up from the past or certain emotions that weren’t felt and dealt with.  Then we slowly start changing back to old habits of an Eating Disorder and we do not notices these changes for a little bit until a loved one points them out typically, which feels like a slap in the face and all knew questions come up in our minds.  Like “why haven’t I noticed this?  I never wanted this to happen again? and Why?”  I can answer a few of those questions.

The first question of “why haven’t you noticed” is the Eating Disorder didn’t want you to and he kept your mind busy and focusing on other things in life or the other stressors that perhaps sent you down the bumpy road.  That’s when ED shines he’s nasty head and inch by inch he takes over your mind; the way you think, the way you act, and how you’ve learned to love yourself.

The second question “I never wanted this to happen again”.  Nobody wants it to happen again but I believe when it does it helps us along our journey of recovery.  We see our therapists again and maybe the dietitian which are both good resources to have and use.

I have traveled down that bumpy road just 3 years ago.  I was a busy mamma, I had a two year old son, I had just finished college in one of the hardest programs, and was training for a half marathon.  On top of all of that I signed up to take my boards in August and had to start studying hard core because it coast about $600.00 and didn’t want to take it twice.  I became so involved with training for the half marathon and working that I didn’t notice the little changes at first like rearranging my schedule o make sure I could workout, being so tired, or not allowing myself to eat certain foods.

The light didn’t come on for me until my husband sent me a picture of me sleeping on the couch and I was skinny.  In my mind before that picture I wasn’t skinny and I had a mom body.  But when I saw that picture my first thought was “oh shit, I need help”.  I meet up my team of fabulous ladies, cut back at work, and focused on myself.  I worked through the new stressors and made a more realistic training plan for running.  I gained back more muscle and made sure I ate foods that I wanted when I wanted them.

By going down that bumpy path and dealing with the new stressors I was blessed with a second healthy son roughly 9 months later!

God Bless

~Angela

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