I’m Crushed

The last time I had Christmas with my dad’s side of the family was eight years ago. I was very pregnant with Dominic and they had blessed us with a carseat stroller combo. It was a very awesome gift and we still have it, the stroller that is.

My family since then has gotten together every year, some years near Christmas some years its been after Christmas in January. My dad went to those first three years after the last time I was their and I wonder what they told him when he asked where his family is? They probally lied and said we are working and couldn’t make it or we didn’t want to come. I hope it wasn’t the last one, how crushing would that have been for my dad. Every year after I see all the pictures on FaceBook that my cousin shares my heart is always broken. At first it didn’t hurt too bad because there was a BIG rip between us and them but after my dad has passed and we were closer together as a family I thought things would be different and we would be included in all the family gatherings. But nothing has changed and it crushes my heart.

I’m sure you can tell by now but this last weekend my family had gotten together at my Aunt and Uncles house and had a “family fishery” as my cousin called it on the tittle of the alum she created on FaceBook. As soon as I saw them I broke down, sobbing, and asking why? I just don’t understand, if they don’t like me which what ever that’s their feelings, I just wish they would tell me so I know how to file that in my brain and every time I see family photos of them I won’t be crushed and I’ll know how to move on from it. Not knowing why is the hardest thing for me. I can guess all the reasons why but they aren’t true unless they tell me.

It also crushes my heart because the older boys know about that side of the family and Dominic had picked a

a few years ago that has my uncle, aunt, dad, and their mom on it and he knows all the people. One day he’s going to ask my why and I want to be able to answer the best I can and with the truth. You would also think they would want to get to know the dead brothers grandkids and have a somewhat relationship with them. Like Jim is never coming back and these kiddos are the second closest thing to him besides my brother Aaron and I.

After I was cooled off and had time alone while doing chores and asking God and my dad what I should do

if I should wash my hands of them or contact them asking why. I still don’t know the answer to the questions, neither have answered them. If you know let me know in the comments below. But after cooling and when I was back inside, I commented on my cousins album saying “wow looks like a great day and what a nice day too”. It was nothing mean but I commented with the hopes that she and my auntie she tagged alone with my other cousin would see it and think “oh shit Ang” or maybe they would worry that others would notice then that I wasn’t their nor was my brother. There were ton’s of comments like “wow what great family memories”, “what a great family”, and the list goes on. I could have said something mean but FaceBook isn’t the place to do that, face to face is best or in a text message or phone call.

I’m hoping I can finally get over this somehow and not care anymore but I know I will always care and wonder why not only for myself but for my children. Next month will be 8 years and it still feels like I lost him yesterday.

Embracing the Beauty of Sadness | Recovery Warriors
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God Bless

~Angela

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